Growing up in the 90s, we had a lot of lies told to us. For example, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” Didn’t you though, Bill?
However, there are some more subtle things from our childhoods that we’re just starting to come around to, and some of them have me SHOOK (did I used that right? I can never tell).
1. That “farm” wasn’t a real place.
When I was young, my caregiver had a litter of bunnies. I wasn’t allowed to take one home (because my parents were smarter than that) but I got to choose one to be “mine.” I chose a little brown rabbit named Chocolat, yes the french way, who was the cutest little thing imaginable. Chocolat grew up, and one day I showed up after school and he was gone. My caregiver told me that Chocolat had gotten too big for a cage and was sent to a nice farm. Seemed reasonable to me.
Then, when I was in high school, people were talking about how when their pets died, their parents would tell them they “went to the farm.” I, an idiot, chimed in and said “oh, that’s so funny! My rabbit actually went to a farm.”
Yikes. That was the first lie of my childhood that really hurt.
2. “Matilda” was MESSED. UP.
Everyone’s favorite kindergartner with telekinetic powers dealt with some messed up s***. First of all, imagine Danny DeVito being your dad? And imagine you were left HOME ALONE when you’re a toddler? Not to mention Miss Trunchbull literally locking kids in a closet decorated with nails and forcing a child to eat an entire chocolate cake. Or swinging a girl over a fence by her pigtails. Good thing we didn’t realize just how terrifying it was when we were kids. All I remember is wanting to eat the cake that Bruce is eating.
3. Our “snacks” were pretty awful.
The reason we think eating half a tub of ice cream and some Cheetos is considered a meal is because the food we were presented with as snacks were basically a dumbed down version. “Fruit snacks” were flavored plastic, and don’t even get me started on Gushers and Lunchables. Sure, they were tasty…but they were terrible for us. Looking back, I can understand why my parents were so reluctant to buy them for us. Does that mean I don’t have two boxes of Pop-Tarts in my house right now? No. But I’m a damn adult and I’ve earned this.
4. Blowing on video games does nothing.
We thought we were technology geniuses. Whenever our game wouldn’t work, we’d take out the cartridge, blow on it, and pop it back in. Inevitably, the game worked immediately after. Basically, we were magicians. However it turns out that blowing on the cartridge doesn’t do anything at all. The reason the game started to work was because you removed and reinserted the cartridge. Pretty basic stuff.
5. ‘Topanga’ is a weird name.
Cory and Topanga were the couple of the 90s, but the show did not focus nearly enough on how unusual the name Topanga is. Apologies to anyone actually named Topanga but…come on. What is this? It was maybe mentioned once a season and we just ACCEPTED it. And she didn’t have a nickname?? I call B.S.
6. Cookie Monster has a name.
And it’s not “Cookie Monster.” In 2004, it was revealed in a song that his name is actually Sid. He later confirmed it on Twitter.
“Me wasn’t born with name ‘Cookie Monster’. It just nickname dat stuck. Me don’t remember me real name… maybe it was Sidney?”
7. Sonic was voiced by Urkel.
Despite the lack of “DID I DO THAT?” throughout the series, Sonic the Hedgehog was in fact voiced by Jaleel White, who voiced Urkel on Family Matters. Not something I would have guessed, but also not something that surprises me.
8. Bob Saget was not made for family television.
And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But when we think of Danny Tanner, we think of a kind, loving, and wholesome father…not a vulgar, offensive stand-up comedian whose autobiography is titled Dirty Daddy.
9. Anti-skip was a damn LIE.
We all had walk-mans we loaded up with our favorite CD before any trip. We were promised an “anti-skip” feature which prevented the CD from skipping when you hit a bump or dropped the machine. In the words of Maury…that was a LIE. If you looked at the thing too quickly your CD would skip. Looking back, we put way too much faith in those two little words. Anti-skip was nothing but a sales tactic and it worked.
10. The Ninja Turtles rarely used their weapons, despite wearing them.
Leonardo had his swords, Donatello had his bo staff, Raphael had his pair of sai, and Michelangelo had his nunchucks…but was a villain ever stabbed, sliced or slashed? Nope. At least not after the first film. Parent groups complained about excessive violence, so the turtles turned to their fists in order to defeat the bad guys. Although when you think about it, that’s really not any less violent.