20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines

If we were ever even close to cracking the mysteries of love, it was back in the ’90s.

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Every teen magazine in the checkout aisle promised to spill the secrets of romance, and for the most part they gave us solid advice about love and life. But sometimes….well, you should see for yourself.

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1. Is that legal?

20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
Cosmopolitan

I’m guessing Here is “wherever he can smell it.”

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2. Get your hair in shape

20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
Seventeen

If your hair can’t bench press 250 pounds, don’t expect to get asked out to prom.

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3. This is a disaster waiting to happen

20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
‘Teen

If you remember just how guys were dressing back then, you can see why this was a bad idea.

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4. I have a doctorate in Personology

20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
Cosmopolitan

Electric guy types do extra damage against water guy types.

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5. If hairstyles could talk

20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
Cosmopolitan

Does your hair say “riot grrrl,” or “I’m in a vulnerable place right now and just looking for a good listener.”

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6. That’s a unique workout

20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
YM

Disclaimer: Throwbacks does not endorse the use of butt blasters, or other butt-enhancing workout routines. Consult a doctor before blasting your butt.

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7. That’s one way to deal with it

This 15-step guide to getting over a bad breakup is actually pretty insightful, but we have a bone to pick with number four.

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20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
Sugar

“Surround yourself with hunks,” it suggests, by covering your walls with “posters of hot boys.” Not exactly confronting your problems head-on with that one.

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8. “Bacteriology”

20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
Cosmopolitan

9. He is, or he isn’t…maybe

20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
Seventeen

Let’s not make dating any more complicated than it already is.

Also, no, you don’t talk too much, so you can skip that quiz.

10. Talk about unrealistic advice

20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
Sassy

It’s not gonna happen.

[page-break]

11. “Boo!”

20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
YM
  1. The call is coming from inside the house.
  2. There was no driver in that car.
  3. Look! There’s a rusty hook on the car door!…

12. Don’t bother

20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
YM

There’s not a lot going on in there and you really don’t want to get a closer look.

13. Uhhhh, don’t do this

20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
Cosmopolitan

Seriously, don’t.

14. Okay, she had the right idea

20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
Sugar

Like, ew.

15. Loading Cyber Crush….

20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
Cosmo Girl

Tip #1: If he tells you he’s a Nigerian prince, it’s too good to be true.

16. This sounds a little menacing

20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
Cosmopolitan

17. Does this really deserve a flow chart?

20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
Sugar

Remember: it’s great to date a mate, and you’ll be irate if you hesitate. Just don’t consummate until it’s appropriate. You’ll separate unless you appreciate your date, so be considerate!

18. Oh, the ’90s

20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
Seventeen

This is a good question to ask, but it’s so quaint to remember “snooping” in the days before we could go over someone’s social media account with a fine-toothed comb.

19. This sounds painful

20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
Cosmopolitan

I think this was almost the title of Steven Seagal’s last movie.

20. “I knew he was the one for me when our noses matched!”

20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines
Cosmopolitan

Were you obsessed with these magazines in the ’90s?

Emma C
Freelance Writer