7 Songs About Getting It On That'll Make You Say "Not Tonight, I Have A Headache"
Music has been used to convey plenty of complex emotions throughout the years, and probably none more so than the desire to get down and dirty with someone you find attractive.
While there's plenty of songs that lend themselves well to this, some artists end up putting out songs that, while they're certainly ABOUT the act of shtupping, really, really don't lend themselves well to it at all. These 7 songs in particular are guaranteed to kill any urges you have.
1) The Black Eyed Peas - "My Humps"
I dunno about you guys, but hearing about Fergie's "lovely lady lumps" or Will.I.Am's "Milky cocoa puff" really don't get me in the mood to canoodle.
2) 50 Cent - "Candy Shop"
"I'll let you lick the lollipop" sounds like a sixth grader trying to "cleverly" talk about doing the horizontal tango and failing miserably. The beat doesn't lend itself well either. Hell, the parody of it by The Dan Band is almost more effective.
3) Led Zeppelin - "The Lemon Song"
Because nothing puts you in the mood for some afternoon delight quite like hearing the line "Squeeze me baby, till the juice runs down my leg / The way you squeeze my lemon, I'm gonna fall right out of bed." Yeesh.
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4) Nickelback - "Figured You Out"
Always derided for having dumb lyrics, the internet's perpetual pick for "Worst Band in Rock Music" went from dumb to gross with this ode to batter-dipping the corn dog. Highlights include "I like your pants around your feet / And I like the dirt that's on your knees" or "And I like the way you're not impressed / While you put me to the test / I like the white stains on your dress." Ew.
5) Olivia Newton-John - "Physical"
It's not gross or dumb, but I'd be genuinely surprised if anyone heard this saccharine, overly upbeat pop hit and decided to genuinely "get physical."
6) John Mayer - "Your Body Is A Wonderland"
What tries to come across as a romantic ode to when a man REALLY loves a woman ends up becoming the anthem for douchebags everywhere to try to use to get in her pants. Seriously, "One mile to every inch of / Your skin like porcelain / One pair of candy lips and / Your bubblegum tongue" just makes us gag.
7) Bloodhound Gang - "The Bad Touch"
This almost gets a pass because it's intentionally bad, but still, I can't think of a less attractive song about making the beast with two backs. If it's not lines like "Hieroglyphics? / Let me be Pacific / I wanna be down in your South Seas" or "Please turn me on / I'm Mister Coffee / With an automatic drip," it's the absurd beat and even more absurd video.
What's the worst song you know about rolling in the hay?