20 Insane Pieces Of Dating Advice From 90s Magazines

If we were ever even close to cracking the mysteries of love, it was back in the '90s.

Every teen magazine in the checkout aisle promised to spill the secrets of romance, and for the most part they gave us solid advice about love and life. But sometimes....well, you should see for yourself.

1. Is that legal?

I'm guessing Here is "wherever he can smell it."

2. Get your hair in shape

If your hair can't bench press 250 pounds, don't expect to get asked out to prom.

3. This is a disaster waiting to happen

If you remember just how guys were dressing back then, you can see why this was a bad idea.

4. I have a doctorate in Personology

Electric guy types do extra damage against water guy types.

5. If hairstyles could talk

Does your hair say "riot grrrl," or "I'm in a vulnerable place right now and just looking for a good listener."

6. That's a unique workout

Disclaimer: Throwbacks does not endorse the use of butt blasters, or other butt-enhancing workout routines. Consult a doctor before blasting your butt.

7. That's one way to deal with it

This 15-step guide to getting over a bad breakup is actually pretty insightful, but we have a bone to pick with number four.

"Surround yourself with hunks," it suggests, by covering your walls with "posters of hot boys." Not exactly confronting your problems head-on with that one.

8. "Bacteriology"

9. He is, or he isn't...maybe

Let's not make dating any more complicated than it already is.

Also, no, you don't talk too much, so you can skip that quiz.

10. Talk about unrealistic advice

It's not gonna happen.

11. "Boo!"

1. The call is coming from inside the house.
2. There was no driver in that car.
3. Look! There's a rusty hook on the car door!...

12. Don't bother

There's not a lot going on in there and you really don't want to get a closer look.

13. Uhhhh, don't do this

Seriously, don't.

14. Okay, she had the right idea

Like, ew.

15. Loading Cyber Crush....

Tip #1: If he tells you he's a Nigerian prince, it's too good to be true.

16. This sounds a little menacing

17. Does this really deserve a flow chart?

Remember: it's great to date a mate, and you'll be irate if you hesitate. Just don't consummate until it's appropriate. You'll separate unless you appreciate your date, so be considerate!

18. Oh, the '90s

This is a good question to ask, but it's so quaint to remember "snooping" in the days before we could go over someone's social media account with a fine-toothed comb.

19. This sounds painful

I think this was almost the title of Steven Seagal's last movie.

20. "I knew he was the one for me when our noses matched!"

Were you obsessed with these magazines in the '90s?